The Drabblecast

Jennifer had recently changed teams. She used to be a developer for OnStar by day and a hacker extraordinaire by night. Now she's dead by day and one of the living dead by night.

Jennifer was welcomed into the community and the rules were explained. Rule number #1 is that humanity must never know that vampires exist. In an age of autopsies and forensic technologies human beings are pretty much off the menu.

Jennifer asked, "But can't we feed on those who are already badly injured without anyone knowing?"

"Perhaps," the answer came, "but how could we find such people?"

That is wonderful, except for the ending, which is horrible. Excise the horrible ending and you will have a winner.

Yea I see what you mean. It's hard to say what I want to say in the few remaining words, but I did do a rework. I'll think about it and see if I can come up with some ideas to improve on even that.

No no no! You ruined it! Ruined! Oh woe! Woe and ruination!

The original version was perfect: You just had to lop off the end (and find some way to transplant its 15 words into another section). Your problem is that you're being too explicit. The idea that vampires are monitoring OnStar and killing crash victims sounds silly if you just come out and say it. But if you leave it unsaid and let the reader fill in the obvious gaps, the idea becomes much more powerful, because its actual revelation takes place in the reader's mind, not on the page.

You original was wonderful because you mentioned the protagonist working for OnStar like it was incidental, then ended with the question: "Where could we find such people?" The dots are big enough that they are sure to connect, and the connecting is what makes the reader smile. "Oh, I get it," says the reader brain, and releases a nice little squirt of dopamine as a reward for its own smartness.

So, yeah, go back to the way it was originally, but just lop the end off like a gangrenous limb.

Yes, think of our brains as little paraplegic zombies who crave little squirts of dopamine. The rest of us is just a convenient vehicle that the brains have been given by the celestial Scooter Store. Good thing we got the new model, and zombies got that shambling beta gait.
But keep your battery charged.

Mr. Tweedy wrote:You original was wonderful because you mentioned the protagonist working for OnStar like it was incidental, then ended with the question: "Where could we find such people?" The dots are big enough that they are sure to connect, and the connecting is what makes the reader smile. "Oh, I get it," says the reader brain, and releases a nice little squirt of dopamine as a reward for its own smartness.

I guess I wasn't giving my readers enough credit. I haven't been doing this long enough to determine how much I have to spell out and how much people can discover themselves so I tend to err on the side of being too specific.

I janked the last lines and fleshed out the rest of the text just a bit to get my word count. Like it now?

YES!

I like!

What is OnStar?

It's a new service which turns your car into a golem.

I don't know which version I just read as it sounds like there's been a decent amount of editing, but I really like it. Good show.

I posted this Drabble on my Facebook (crediting you, of course). No one will ever read it there, but take it as a token of esteem just the same.

Mr. Tweedy wrote:I posted this Drabble on my Facebook (crediting you, of course). No one will ever read it there, but take it as a token of esteem just the same.

Thank you very much, but while I had a rough idea your contributions are what polished them into a diamond.

Aw shucks.

Insomniacagnostic wrote:I don't know which version I just read as it sounds like there's been a decent amount of editing, but I really like it. Good show.

Yeah, the version as of 6:52 AM, 11-09-2009, GMT, is great.

In an unrelated note... GM airbags have been found to leave two small puncture wounds in random vehicle fatalities.

Finally, you posit undead monsters who prey on car-crash victims found via onStar. This sounds suspiciously like many tow-truck drivers to me!

I loved the spoof they did called Blonde-Star.

"I've locked myself in my car and the keys are on the outside. Please Help Me Blonde-Star!!!"