The Drabblecast

From the Crawlspace of Prince Chthulu. Your assistance is very much needed.
 
Hello, Drabblecast, and many blessings to you. My name is Benoop Chthulu, and I am a Nigerian Prince. I very much need your help.
 
My father, King H.P. Chthulu, is a very powerful man, and he has taken my funds from me because he believes me to be the demon spawn of Ramdas, a sub-deity of a new religion known throughout Nigeria as Idolamericana.
 
Woe to me! Woe to me! The King, my father, has forced me to live inside a crawlspace that is filled with cobwebs and dirty magazines! Yet I have no light! Well, only when I’m not using my laptop, the use of which I have been very sparing, seeing as my battery is almost dead! Help me! Woe to me!
 
Being a Prince, oh, Drabblecast Sexus Magnus, I have a great fortune of gold and many precious stones. I am willing to share half of my fortune with you if you could only convince my father, the King, the Tormentor, to release me from this crawlspace!
 
A small contribution of American currency is needed to convince my father that I am a legitimate Nigerian prince with overseas connections, and not the demon spawn of Ramdas. Screw Ramdas! I have never seen Ramdas! I never let him comb my hair! Well, maybe once! But fear not! I did not like it! Much!
 
By wiring the amount of $100 to a soon-to-be-disclosed Paypal account, my father, the King, the Swine, will see that I have friends, and he will release me and grant me access to my fortune. The fortune, I will again stress, that will be half yours. The wealth!
 
Please, Sexus Drabbles! Help me! I will make you rich!
 
Regards,
 
Prince Chthulu

Woe to me! Woe to me!