The Drabblecast

Newbie here please no flame attacks just a gentle nudge to the door would work just as well.

Hello, My name is John Sleestaxx and since I quit smoking I found I have a muse that encourages many many short stories.

Now whether the muse did not like cigarette smoke or the muse is actually the anger and rage that wells up in me, I do not know.

I have like 25-26 of these stories in my blog, (that gets no traffic), these are stories that rattle around in my head while I mow the yard or do general outdoor work while listening to my iPOD (Not an endorsement).

I really get no feedback at my blog and thought I could maybe get some feedback. I toy with the idea of doing a graphic novel of sorts with them.

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In my neighborhood I have Henry Rollins as a neighbor.

In my neighborhood I have Henry Rollins as a neighbor on my right. Not the pussy Rollins that posed for the photo that looks like an ad for the gap or the dweeby Rollins you see on the Rollins show, but the angry, aggressive peace preaching Rollins you see in the Youtube videos of Black Flag at the Mabuhay Gardens (hey it’s my story).

On Saturday I was out doing yard work when a truck pulled up in front of Mr. Rollins’ house (I may be his neighbor but I still would not want to piss this Rollins off). Mr. Rollins’ has a bird bath and this is not allowed by the HOA. Well apparently the HOA thought they could remove Mr. Rollins birdbath. Mr. Rollins came out as the labor whores began to dismantle the birdbath.

Mr. Rollins was pissed off! He began to yell and scream and pace. There is nothing scary that this Rollins pacing. Just as the labor whores were about to get into the truck, Mr. Ving , a board member, drove up and jumped out of his car waving the deed restrictions saying he was allowed to remove the birdbath and that it was duty to remove the birdbath as it was his charter by the HOA to protect the home values of the neighborhood.

Mr. Rollins laughed and said that even a snot nosed high school student knows economics and will tell anyone that the value of something is what someone will pay not the packaging. The value is what the consumer perceives the product to be.

“That’s right,” yelled the neighbor on my left. “Henry here has been putting out shitty music for decades and the kids still keep buying it.”

“Shut up Kid” replies Mr. Rollins “Go back into your house and watch TV with your wife. You know the Tommy Lee leftover, Pam.”

Mr. Rock gives them both the finger and starts his lawn mower.

Mr. Rollins shoots the bird back at Kid Rock and turns his attention to Mr. Ving. But Mr. Ving is starting to call the police (not The Police).

Mr. Rollins looks across the street and smiles. I look to see what makes this angry, aggressive, peace preaching, psychopath smile. It is Wendy Williams , she is in the garage with a sledge hammer doing what she does with the sledge hammer, while watching the whole spectacle. Mr. Rollins strides to Miss Williams’ garage and speaks with her, some hand gestures and head nods and Mr. Rollins walks to the back of her garage and opens a cupboard. As he turns around he is holding Miss Williams’ chain saw.

With one deft tug the saw roared to life and Mr. Rollins begins a purposeful stride back across the street. Mr. Ving sort of smiles but looks more dumbfounded than anything, but the labor whores are visibly frightened and begin to look for an escape route.

Mr. Rollins crosses the street in four strides. Raises the chain saw up and brings it down on Mr. Ving’s car. Sparks are flying, whores are running, and that bald headed tutu wearing freak at Miss Williams’ house comes out to watch.

The saw cuts through the roof like butter and as Mr. Rollins brings the saw down again Miss Williams charges the out of the garage and crosses the street in all of her taped booby glory .

She raises the sledge hammer and brings it down on the bird bath. She swings back around in a Venus Williams kind of back hand and levels the bath in two swings.

Mr. Rollins stops, Mr. Rock is laughing hysterically, and Mr. Ving closes his cell phone.

“What in the living hell was that for?” Yells Mr. Rollins.
“The fucking thing has pissed me off for a year.” Miss Williams says between panting breaths.

“The birds bathing? C’mon Henry you were starting to look like a pussy.”
“Starting to?” Mr. Rock laughs.

“Hey Kid what do I taste like when you kiss Pam?”

“You want to come over for dinner? Pam is making meatloaf?”

“Yeah I’ll bring some wine.”

“Listen Henry,” Lee steps up to Henry, “don’t put another one back up without getting Architectural Review approval. OK?”

“ Yeah Yeah”

Um... I don't get it.

But welcome to the forum!

EDIT: Ah! Some quick Wikipedia searching has revealed some crucial background information. I still don't get it, but at least I know what I'm not getting now.

There's only one way to get this, Tweedy. You need to take a lawnchair down the street on Saturday, and when you find a guy mowing his lawn, sit down and read the story. Imagine you are reading his mind.

If he comes over and asks you what you think you're doing, give him a hug and say, "Thanks. Now I get it."

First I'd suggest a pithier title, maybe like "Cul-De-Sac" or something or something along those lines. My first impression reading the title and starting the story was that a double-paste of text may have occurred, before I realized the first line WAS the title.

Second, Microsoft Word or Works or some editor with a spell-grammer checker is a great way to quickly look for obvious grammatical situations that need attention. Just look for those little squiggly green and red underlines, and you can catch lots of little oopsies that always seem to slip in when your mind is concentrating on creating.

Thirdly, try putting an extra space between the paragraphs. That may seem like a small point, but it makes it much easier for people reading it not to get lost in a great wall of text.

Fourthly, No one I know here will flame you. They may well give you an "I don't get it" or "Needs work here" or a stern lecture from Miss Grimsley on gerund-abuse, but all of that is intended in the spirit of honest feedback.

Fifthly, congratulations on quiting smoking, but as a relapsed smoker myself, keep in mind that quitting is easy, it's not starting up again that's the hard part.

Sixthly, Welcome to the Drabblecast. You'll never meet a nicer or stranger group of people on the internet.

Mr. Tweedy wrote:Um... I don't get it.

But welcome to the forum!

EDIT: Ah! Some quick Wikipedia searching has revealed some crucial background information. I still don't get it, but at least I know what I'm not getting now.

yeah I guess if you did not know who Henry Rollins was or any of the other punk rock icons were I can see it would be tough to get.

I have moved other rock stars into my neighborhood. But it started with, "what would it be like to live next door to Henry Rollins from black flag" and the rattle bounced around until I HAD to write it.

ROU Killing Time wrote:
Second, Microsoft Word or Works or some editor with a spell-grammer checker is a great way to quickly look for obvious grammatical situations that need attention. Just look for those little squiggly green and red underlines, and you can catch lots of little oopsies that always seem to slip in when your mind is concentrating on creating.

There was no more green and red lines when I was done. Maybe reading out loud more than once would help.
Or maybe I am insane like my wife says

Ah, well very good then.

That was just meant as general advice. I wasn't pointing to anything in the story in particular.

For proper grammer advice, Miss.Grimsley, aKa Strawman is our resident expert anyway.

Didn't mean to stomp on her/his turf.

EVERYONE wants to BE Miss Grimsley. But NO ONE can satisfy her.

....So, revsleestaxx...

do you have a cute avatar?

strawman wrote:EVERYONE wants to BE Miss Grimsley. But NO ONE can satisfy her.

....So, revsleestaxx...

do you have a cute avatar?

Slut!

See if I don my latex for YOU again anytime soon.

\:shock:/

I like the spacing, much more readable.

The story does paint a chaotic, disjointed, hard to comprehend picture.

Much like real life.

Keep writing.

The first 4 paragraphs were a good, interesting start. But then you get wound up in a time warp. The sentences veer from present to past and back again, (not an uncommon mistake in expository writing.) If you clean it up, it will improve the story.
My other criticism would be that the pace of the story gets more hurried after the introduction. Mastery of rythmn and pacing is a sign of really good writing. Remember that you are trying to accomplish several things at once: describe a sequence of events
describe the atmosphere and characters
engage the reader's interest
evoke humor or emotional tone
It's not unlike juggling with drumsticks, while playing the drums. That's why you can rewrite 50 times and still find a way to improve it the 51st time through. It will never be perfect, only good enough.
DC is a good place to hone writing skills. Not that, *ahem*, many people spend as much time as they might honing. Some just like to juggle. Could be the the lifetime supply of Jolly Jelly, The Drabblenews regular reassurance that some few things will always be stranger than we are, or the hope that when we pass from this mortal coil, maybe Norm will do our outro, or use our last will and testament for a Nigerian spam scam.

The bottom line here is that DC is a vast land of opportunity, of endless purple-fruited plains, rolling landscapes of Rocky Roads and Blooming Molly yes I said yes I will Yes!

A land that sometimes seems to be populated by characters from Dr Seuss and Goodnight, Moon. But we are the decent, upright, bipedal patriots of that beloved country, to which we pledge our troth. Our only real vice is the annual Michael Vick-like deathmatch contest between our bloodthirsty pit-chimeras, and a few Canadians.

But this is not about us. It's about you. We all need to mow the lawn sometime.

Hey bud, welcome to the forums.

I like it. It's edgy and has a strange mix to it- kinda rap/prose/drabblecast weird. I'm not smart enough to know how to take it to the next level, but keep doin'.

I'm still chuckling about the ending.

tbaker2500 wrote:Hey bud, welcome to the forums.

I like it. It's edgy and has a strange mix to it- kinda rap/prose/drabblecast weird. I'm not smart enough to know how to take it to the next level, but keep doin'.

I'm still chuckling about the ending.

That line reminds me of a drabble I wrote a couple years ago.

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“That’ll be seven sixty seven buddy.” Said the clerk.
The guy behind me said. "Buddy? Last I heard a buddy was a bump on a dog's ass. Don’t let him call you that?"
He was right. No Mother Fucken human should be allowed to call anybody "buddy" that’s just too disrespectful to let slide. So I took my Slurpee and beef jerky out to my car and got my gun. I went back in and shot the bastard in the knee.
I told him, while he was crying like a little girl, that he better think about calling people names.
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Get that in the drabble section.

It's seems obvious to me that your mind works in a pretty twisted and screwed up fashion.

Welcome home, brother, welcome home.

if that makes you think I am twisted then I will not drag any sermons over here. least I get banned.
thanks for making a stranger fell strangely welcome

revsleestaxx wrote:if that makes you think I am twisted then I will not drag any sermons over here. least I get banned.
thanks for making a stranger fell strangely welcome

Bring it on, baby.