The Drabblecast

Greener Pastures and Being a Good Steward
By Rev. John Sleestaxx

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. - Ezekiel 25:17

For the lord is my Sheppard he leads me to green pastures and ye although I walk through the valley of credit I shall fear no evil because the lord is my savior and I am a mean son-of-a-bitch. I shall smite with great vengeance those evil and blasphemous men that shall tempt and distract the children of the lord.

The world is full of inequities and selfishness. There are many distractions and temptations that await us at every turn.

If we take our eyes from the prize for even a second some slick snake oil sales man is there to detach us from our cash. An evil wanton temptress is there to draw from our path to the lord with her guiles and false beauty. If you are truly righteous you can see that her beauty is not as beautiful as the lord's promise of salvation.

Not too long ago I was beset with a choice. Now this choice was not like what shall I have for lunch, or the clerk just gave me back too much change do I tell him or do I keep it?

This was a greater choice, a soul defining choice, one of those that when you see it, you know that the decision you are about to make is one that will say to the world what kind of man, or woman, you are.

I was downtown and I was walking on the sidewalk behind the Ex-mayor Brown. He and one of his associates were having a discussion of some importance because as they did not see the derelict and the other two people set him up for the oldest pickpocket trick in the book. I did, and this is not the choice, I slowed my pace, when the lift was done nobody saw the pick made, no-one saw me change direction and no-one saw me position for the oldest mugging trick at the alley entrance.

As the lady that lifted the wallet from the ex-mayor pass me at the entrance, I slammed my fist into the side of her head and she disappeared into the alley against the dumpster. I charged her and demanded the wallet she coughed, cried, and looked at me with the eyes of a woman that were soft and pleading. I kicked her in the thigh right above the knee with enough force to lift her leg and drop her on her back. I jumped up and at the moment the air left her lungs I planted my foot on her chest. A couple gasps of air and she knew that to breath she had to hand over the wallet. Weakly her hand lifted and gave me the wallet.

Now here is my choice, do I return the wallet or do I keep the wallet? You see the wallet was already stolen, and would have been stolen weather the lord had sent me downtown or not. So the lord put me on that street at that time to be a witness. Now I know the lord did not expect me to be the mugger I once was, or a player in an elaborate pick pocket scheme. So I kept the wallet knowing that the lord leads me to greener pastures and there was 465 dollars in the wallet not to mention a social security card and 8 credit cards, and one of them was an account of the City's.

The rectory now has a 72 inch surround sound worshiping system. The rectory pantry is full of all the foods that are not healthy. And I have a month’s supply of burritos, burritos, and beer.

I then sold the Social security card and credit cards on a forum board to some poor unfortunate soul and the bounty will help his family and then some other family will benefit also.

So in conclusion I brought the lords vengeance down on some criminals, I was given a betterment of life and I stewarded some others of god’s children.

Had I just said "hey stop, look out you are about to be robbed" I would not had done any of gods work and that fat bastard of a pig fucker would have been saved some of the lord's punishment for being a porker of cats and hamsters.

So I would like my congregation to reflect on this lesson for the rest of the week look for opportunities where the lord is trying to help you and the rest of the world.

And again baptismal beatings are still occurring every Thursday. If anybody is wavering in the faith or you know someone who is need of the lord please come on down to the rectory ring.

Amusing, especially because Rev. Sleestaxx's rationalizations aren't really any less sound than the ones real people use to justify their sins.

My favorite absurd justification from history is the one that Southerners used to justify slavery: Like many a college freshman after him, Noah gets wasted and passes out (naked). One of his sons sees him passed out (naked) and goes to his brothers and says "Hey, get a load of dad! What a chump! Ha ha!" When Noah wakes up, he gets mad about this and, through the haze of his hangover, says something to the extent of "You will be a slave to your brothers!" (Taken in context this means, IMHO, neither more nor less than "Ham, you're a douchebag!") Therefore, because the hungover Noah said this, it right and proper for white people to treat black people like farm animals.

That makes about as much sense as Rev. Sleestaxx's justification that watching someone else steal and then stealing from the thief isn't really stealing, that it is, in fact, virtuous, because you're punishing the thief as well as making a profit. Not a direct analogy of course, but the logic is similarly gerrymandered and dishonest. If you have decided, in advance, what the conclusion of your reasoning will be, then you will most certainly find reasons to justify that conclusion. This is usually done simply be excluding contrary evidence. For instance, if Rev. Sleestaxx were being honest, he would have to acknowledge that each use of a stolen credit card is an act of theft in itself and therefore not justifiable under the "stealing from a thief isn't stealing" argument. But, of course, he just doesn't go there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I like the Rev. Sleestaxx character because he strikes me as very plausible and realistic.

Mr. Tweedy wrote:Amusing, especially because Rev. Sleestaxx's rationalizations aren't really any less sound than the ones real people use to justify their sins.

My favorite absurd justification from history is the one that Southerners used to justify slavery: Like many a college freshman after him, Noah gets wasted and passes out (naked). One of his sons sees him passed out (naked) and goes to his brothers and says "Hey, get a load of dad! What a chump! Ha ha!" When Noah wakes up, he gets mad about this and, through the haze of his hangover, says something to the extent of "You will be a slave to your brothers!" (Taken in context this means, IMHO, neither more nor less than "Ham, you're a douchebag!") Therefore, because the hungover Noah said this, it right and proper for white people to treat black people like farm animals.

That makes about as much sense as Rev. Sleestaxx's justification that watching someone else steal and then stealing from the thief isn't really stealing, that it is, in fact, virtuous, because you're punishing the thief as well as making a profit. Not a direct analogy of course, but the logic is similarly gerrymandered and dishonest. If you have decided, in advance, what the conclusion of your reasoning will be, then you will most certainly find reasons to justify that conclusion. This is usually done simply be excluding contrary evidence. For instance, if Rev. Sleestaxx were being honest, he would have to acknowledge that each use of a stolen credit card is an act of theft in itself and therefore not justifiable under the "stealing from a thief isn't stealing" argument. But, of course, he just doesn't go there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I like the Rev. Sleestaxx character because he strikes me as very plausible and realistic.

Thank you

Can't really add too much the Tweedster's commentary, I think that pretty much nails the underlying theme and notes the strength that comes from reading something believable.

Bonus points for simultaneously opening by quoting the Bible AND "Pulp Fiction"

I always wondered what became of Sam Jackson's character after he walked away from his life as a hitman.

Here's my input as a proofreader.

"Now I know the lord did not expect me to be the mugger I once was, or a player in an elaborate pick pocket scheme. So I kept the wallet knowing that the lord leads me to greener pastures and there was 465 dollars ion"

That's one problem with automatic spellcheckers that gets all of us. When you misspell a word with a word that exists in the dictionary. Need smarter AI. So what if it leads to the dawn of corpse-fueled-robots with a taste for human flesh.

Good Stuff, Rev.

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What Tweedy said!